Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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