I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
