In the future we'll all be gay
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
