Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
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