for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
