Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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