at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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