My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
