Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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