i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
