and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
