I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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