Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
