True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
