my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
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