So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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