It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
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