I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
whose ass print is on the piano?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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