I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Everything about him screamed your future.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
