I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
These 23 Kids Have The Most Overbearing Parents Imaginable
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
21 People That Are Skilled At Illegal Activities
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.