I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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