Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
