You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
