You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
