Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
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Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.