I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...