we have officially lost it.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers