I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I just want to make out with him forever
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie