i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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