yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
