I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
God I need to hump something, right now.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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