I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
