Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
