I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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