I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
