omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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