In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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