sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
