I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
