It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
