Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
