Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
