Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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