I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
