i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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