She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
