i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
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The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
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It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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