Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
