alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Randomize
