i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
