I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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