theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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