My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Randomize
