Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
