I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
