My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
