Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Randomize
