update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
