i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
